A Sackful of Limericks Read online

  One day came over all goosy.

  Although it seemed strange,

  She got used to the change,

  And by Christmas was really quite juicy.

  A white cocker spaniel from Poole

  Had a thing about Peter O’Toole.

  When he came on the telly,

  He’d roll on his belly

  And do funny things to the stool.

  There was a young man called Potter,

  Whose girlfriend resembled an otter –

  About three feet long,

  Smooth fur, fairly strong:

  No one quite liked to ask where he’d got her.

  There was a young fellow called Owen

  Who had to keep goin’ and goin’.

  Psychiatrists said

  Being dropped on his head

  Had caused all the toin’ and froin’.

  A strange man called Ron took a bet:

  He’d swim three lengths without getting wet.

  With commendable cool,

  He emptied the pool,

  Dived in, and he’s not come round yet.

  There was a surveyor from Kent

  Whose theodolite got rather bent.

  The result you can see

  On the A423,

  Which never goes quite where they meant.

  A boxer from Malta called Raymon

  Used a big concrete wall to take aim on.

  He broke both his arms

  And three lucky charms –

  One with his grandmother’s name on.

  An aspiring young MP from Tring

  Invented a very neat thing.

  He created a voter,

  Complete with a motor,

  Which he found would support anything.

  A curious young fellow named Kurt

  Used to climb Alpine peaks in a skirt.

  He said it felt nice

  In the snow and the ice,

  And it kept those below more alert.

  A curious man named McGraw

  Caught part of his head in a door.

  When he came back next week

  With his wife, who was Greek,

  He found it, still there, on the floor.

  There was a young fellow called Kamp

  Who sunbathed in his loo with a lamp.

  But a flash in the pan

  Gave him more than a tan –

  The result of the wires getting damp.

  An elderly lady from Fleet

  Once scored a goal with both feet,

  And, despite her great age,

  Earns a reasonable wage

  As reserve centre forward for Crete.

  A butcher’s assistant called Phil

  Was caught with his hands in the till.

  He tried to cut meat

  Using only his feet

  But the sight made the customers ill.

  A dog from Sri Lanka called Patch

  Sat down on a tree stump to scratch;

  But he found that the flea,

  Was not one, but three,

  And the first of a very large batch.

  There was a young man from the Cape

  Who swallowed his hat for a jape.

  It was easy to tell

  Why he felt so unwell

  By his stomach’s extraordinary shape.

  A retired metal-worker called Noades

  Used to solve little problems for toads,

  Like where to jump next,

  Or a hard Latin text,

  Or how to avoid major roads.

  A man on a length of elastic

  Decided to do something drastic.

  When he jumped off the cliff he

  Came back in a jiffy,

  And screamed to his friends, ‘It’s fantastic!’

  A sensitive boy named McKay

  Let out the most terrible cry

  When he found something shocking

  Inside of his stocking

  That was slimy and green and could fly.

  A little boy spied Santa Claus

  Escaping the shop on all fours.

  After hours in the grotto

  He’d got a bit blotto,

  And was heading, quite fast, for the doors.

  There once was an author called Palin,

  For whom limericks seemed just plain sailin’,

  He wrote ninety-four*

  But when asked for one more,

  He just ran down the street screaming, ‘Leave me alone!’

  (Author’s note: One hundred and fifty-five, actually, but you try and rhyme that with ‘more’!)

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  Epub ISBN: 9781473538436

  Version 1.0

  Copyright © Michael Palin 1985, 2016

  Illustrations © Tony Ross 1985, 2016

  Michael Palin has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  Many of the limericks in this collection first appeared in Michael Palin’s Limericks.

  First edition published by Hutchinson in 1985

  This edition published by Random House Books in 2016

  Random House Books

  20 Vauxhall Bridge Road

  London, SW1V 2SA

  www.penguin.co.uk

  Random House Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  ISBN 9781847947994